My favorite book is written by Chuck Klosterman. Killing Yourself to Live. Maybe it's because I have the same unique view on music, death and relationships, but I find I am able to identify with this book more than any other book I have ever read. Ever. And in this book, there is a paragraph I particularly identify with. Something I am coming to terms with lately. Finally.
"... We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime...They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four of five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all of this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your person identification of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real - but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else..."He so totally nails this idea for me. I have that person. We all have that person. And he has literally defined my "type." Not just physically, although he has defined my "type" physically. But also how I've allowed myself to be treated in relationships and how I've treated others in relationships. Vicious cycle. I'm not gonna wade too deep into this, but I have finally seen this person (figuratively) as fallible. For so long he was perfect. "Illusions are dangerous people, they have no flaws..." But he's actually not perfect. He never was. I just never wanted to see that, I took comfort in the perfect person I had created in my mind. A person he could never actually live up to...and I can finally see that.
The book...
The song...
Band of Horses - Is There A Ghost
